When you loose somebody it can bring up lots of emotions, Angry, sad, guilty, shocked, fearful, frightened, confused.. The list goes on.

Last night my nan {I called her little nan, because she was so small} passed away. This year she suffered a stroke and although she was doing well, it left her incapable of doing things on her own. She was moved to a care home just last week after spending time at hospital and a rehabilitation centre. Unfortunately last night, she passed away peacefully in her sleep.

I am going through a stage of emotions, I don’t know what to think at the moment, Am I sad? Yes. Teary? Yes. Angry? Yes. Confused? Yes. Frightened? Yes. Guilty? Most definitely yes.. Its a mixture of emotions and my head is in a spin.

It gets me thinking of everything she did for me and my sisters. Every Thursday without fail, me and my sister would go round her house for dinner. It was always a roast dinner. We would go straight from school and we were adamant we could smell her dinner half way down the road. We would always enter through the back door and straight into a loving, warm friendly home.

I always remember measuring myself up against her, she was so small we nicknamed both our nans “Little Nan” and “Big Nan” Sadly Big nan passed away some years ago. I found it so funny when I finally towered over her! My nan made the meanest Yorkshire puddings and to this day, I still cannot for the life of me get mine to raise the way hers did.

It wasn’t just Thursday’s we saw her, when we were little we would see her at the end of each month when my dad came down to visit. Again, Roast dinner it was and we would stay for tea as well, which would always be Jam on toast. Jam on toast never tasted so good as to when my nan made it, or dippy egg..  We would watch Stars In Their Eyes, or Top of The Pops in front of the fire with the biscuit tin between our legs and eat till our hearts content.

Other things I used to do was, empty her cupboards from all its contents and play shop. I would carry everything into her lounge and display all the items on her display cabinet and I would play shops with it. I would go and pick what I wanted and then change roles and play shop assistant and send it all through my pretend till. I would sit on her stool which was also a handy sewing box. Everything seemed so good at that age and its only now that I am remembering these things happening.

Thats where the guilt comes in. I feel terribly guilty that I didn’t see her as much as I should of done. I feel terribly guilty that the children were not a huge part of her life. She was such a fantastic nan to me, she should of been able to be a part of their life. Its silly reasons really. I got married and that was that. I called her and popped over at christmas but god how I wish it was different. I wish both Moo and H had gotten to know the nan I loved and thought so highly off. She was like another mum to me when I was younger and its so rare these days to have great grandparents that can be in children’s lives, I feel like I have taken something so important away from them.

I always said, once H was in school it would be easy for me to go and see her, it would be better as I wouldn’t just have 3 hours, I would have 6 hours.. i would be able to spend a day with her, but now I won’t get that. Its heartbreaking to think that she isn’t here anymore. Its heartbreaking to think that I can’t just phone her. The past few months have been hard, stressful and quite an eye-opener for stroke victims. I have spoken to family members I have not spoken to in years and do you know what? its been nice, its been wonderful seeing people I have not had contact with in some some.

Getting older sucks, big time and I am fully aware that its happening now. I hate the term R.I.P, I think it boils down to my fears of death.

For now, though I need to grieve, to accept whats happened and to be at peace with it. Its hard, I am not ready to say goodbye yet.

I feel terribly guilty too. The Thursdays dwindled out and by the time we finished college, they ended.


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