This week G had her spring term disco. Its occasions like this that I see how grown up she is and how quickly childhood is passing us by. The past few months have been a particular struggle with G. Nothing out of the ordinary but its become an ordinary moment and its one I find pretty tough. Mainly mood swings and grumpy moments, but they are moments I find the hardest.
I think as a blogger you can paint a pretty good picture of family life. Your can put the idyllic photo’s up of a happy family and write about all the wonderful things you do. I won’t lie, when I started blogging its what I did, I wanted to paint a picture perfect family like so many I read beforehand. But reality hit me and my family isn’t picture perfect. Its far from it, we have our moments and although 95% of the time all is good within our little network there is always that 5% that rears its ugly head.
This photo was taken 5 minutes before we left for the disco and the hour and fifteen minutes after was bliss, G danced the night away with friends and the smile was contagious. I stayed to help out and I was overwhelmed at how confident my little girl was, but it soon unravelled in the space of a few minutes. By the time we were back to the car, I had a very grumpy seven year old on my hands and one that would not let up, a completely different child to the one I had previously seen in the school hall. By the time we were home, I had full on tears, screaming and demands of not wanting to go to bed. I find it amazing how one can change their mood so quickly.
Once she was in bed, I sat and looked at this picture for a pretty long time. Looking at her skin, how smooth it was, how her eyes are her best feature, how her curly locks frame her beautiful face, how her teeth that are now rapidly growing through are changing her face completely. I looked at this picture for so long, thinking I made this little girl, I made and am making her into what she is and what she will become. It breaks my heart when she has a wobbly moment and I feel awful when I shout and scream because its exactly how she acts, she copies my actions and it really isn’t nice to see a seven year old imitating your behaviour.
I have had many jobs and most of the jobs I have had I complained about. This job, right here looking after this gorgeous girl of mine is hard, it pushes me and it breaks me. Yes I complain about it of an evening and wish I could of done things better, but its part and parcel of being a parent. I never felt guilty about complaining about all my other jobs, but I sit on the sofa of an evening and have a little moan about how good, or how bad my day has gone and I feel guilty, I feel guilty that I have let G down, I feel guilty that I didn’t get it right.
I have wobbly moments too, and I guess this is one. I find parenting hard, I won’t lie, I find it so bloody hard and I want this blog to be an outlet for the good times and the bad. I want to be honest and real and I think by doing that people can see that its not always picture perfect…