Most people love the sun, I rather like it, but I don’t love it. The sun is my Enemy, it isn’t my friend anymore and it won’t be for a very long time.
Its been a whole year since I first found that suspicious looking mole. Its been a whole year since I went in for my first operation and in just a few short weeks it will be a whole year since my melanoma diagnosis. Its been such a whirlwind year of cancer doctor appointments, scar treatment and plastic surgeon appointments and it still does not get any easier.
This week I was back in for another operation, this time on my back. It was quite a large mole and one I wasn’t bothered about, but it sparked concern with the consultants. I am now on a three week wait for the results and its a nerve wracking time. The wait for results seems like a lifetime away and its something I really do not enjoy. I try and put it to the back of my mind, but the potential of it coming back and having yet more surgery to clean it up scares me.
I am unable to do much at the moment. I can’t drive, I can’t pick up heavy things, I can’t lie on my side and most definitely cannot lie on my back. Sleeping is something that just isn’t happening as its awkward and I find myself snapping as I am so tired. My head is constantly in a spin and this operation was a big blow which does not hep my anxieties about skin cancer.
We all live in fear of cancer, but to be told you have skin cancer is terrifying. Even though it has the most successful survival rate, its still a scary time when your facing it. Its still the unknown of what ifs, and you still go through a whole range of emotions that leave you feeling low and deflated.
I feel battered and bruised. I now have 3 scars over my body due to this horrible disease. I still find it hard to get my head round it all. Each hospital visit feels me with dread. I am grumpy because I still feel angry that I got it. I still feel angry that it chose me. I was not a fan of the sun before and now I dread the sunny days. I dread having to make sure I have all the protection necessary. I shouldn’t have to dread the warm sunny days, but I do. I sit in the shade and basically shy away from it. I am scared, it was the sun that did this to me in the first place, so why should I like it? Its not exactly my friend? In fact its my enemy.
Damn you sun, Damn you..