So here I am again. Waiting, waiting for those all important words of “all clear.” This is the worst bit about my journey. I can just about cope with them telling me I need more surgery. Its a shock when they do but I come to terms with it in my own way. The waiting for the results is quite understandably the the most nerve wracking time. The will it be good news or bad, will they call or will they write. I have learnt that the telephone call is always bad news and a letter is the best news. I do not want that call.
Ever since I found out about my skin cancer, my mantra has been “punch fear in the face” but over the last few days I’m finding that a little difficult. On Saturday I was back in for another op to remove two new moles that have appeared right next to the original melanoma and punching fear seems more scary than ever before
I laid on the table and every thought process imaginable went through my head. In the 40 minutes that I was being cut into I had visions of me being bought back in. Receiving that telephone call, relaying the results onto family which in all honesty is the worst thing I have to do. Relaying bad news is never nice but when it comes to health its just a whole new level of scariness.
Its hard to bury your head in the sand when it comes to something so important. Never did I think I would ever be facing anything like this. Nor did I ever think I would be in the system as a cancer patient. Never did I think it would get me.
Again I am struggling to see past the good and thinking the worst. The moles they removed were new, brand bloody new, not even a year old and right by the original melanoma site. Obviously a huge concern when you have previous history of skin cancer. They were itchy, which I confused with the old scar as they said that would itch whilst it heals. They were actually the moles that were itching which is never a good sign either. The odds are not in my favour and I am scared I am going to get that dreaded phone call and not the letter.
Its hard, so very hard. Its scary, so very scary and all I can do is wait.