THE OVERWHELMING SENSE OF GUILT

THE OVERWHELMING SENSE OF GUILT

Last week, I was at the hospital. It was supposed to be a very easy appointment, one where I should of left with a slight spring in my step knowing that my scars of previous operations were healing well. Because of this, I was in two minds as to whether to ask about a particular mole. One I had been keeping a close eye on for several weeks, maybe months. My sister urged me that I should and I decided because I had another few months before I saw my cancer specialist consultant, I needed to bring it up.

I left the appointment feeling overwhelmed and slightly let down with myself. Its strange as you think you can just accept what they have to say, get on with it and carry on. But I find it so hard when you have a major setback such as this. I am being rushed through as an urgent patient for yet another operation and it didn’t go down to well. I ran back to my car and called the only person I wished that was there with me. To hold me and tell me it would all be ok. Mr B.

The feeling is strange. I feel I am letting all those around me down. Yet more stress, more worry and more pain. I wish it was easier, but it isn’t. Telling the people you love you have to go through it all again is heartbreaking and I fell like a complete failure in the fact I can’t beat this. I can’t stop the constant operations. I’m wishing these 5 years up, so I won’t have any more hospital appointments. I will then not be told I have to have yet more surgeries or feeling degraded when you have to strip down so the consultant can go over you with a fine tooth comb and look at every single mole your body houses. But I then feel like I will be constantly worrying. My family will have that constant grief of what if.

My main fear is, it coming back, stronger, worser and deadlier. People say, try not to worry, try not to think like that. Its always in the back of your mind. When you have heard those dreaded words of “its cancer” you never forget it. Even though they caught it early the first time, there is nothing to say it won’t come back. It literally consumes all of me, and I can’t shake that feeling.

Again I am back resenting the one thing everyone loves. We have come to realise that it is infact hereditary a gene passed on, but it still makes me hate the sun. It still makes me detest having to find shade on the most glorious of days. It is a burden I wish I didn’t have to carry.
I left that appointment feeling heavy, an instant weight on my shoulders and so so guilty. Guilty on my families part. I hate that I am putting them through this. So to the ones I love, because I can’t tell you to your face, I’m sorry, I am so sorry I am worrying you all yet again. I’m sorry that I can’t go to a hospital appointment without it ending in more worry. I am just so sorry I can’t shake this off. Im sorry for letting you down.


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