Do you ever get that feeling of drowning.. The feeling of claustrophobia the feeling of loosing your fight. Since being told I had skin cancer it’s been a constant fight with my emotions. I can deal with it most days, But the days I have nothing to do is when its at its worst.
I know they have caught it early, I know that they are keeping a close eye on me and I know I am in good hands, but I still get a feeling of complete and utter dread. I feel guilty, I feel like I have done this. I feel like I should of been more careful in the times I was out in the sun. You think that cancer happens to other people. It wouldn’t happen to you but it can. Skin cancer is probably one of the cancers that has a high success rate.
I know that once I have this operation I can carry on and get on with my life and not have any more worries, but the thought of having it makes me feel sick to my stomach. The thought that something was growing on me makes me angry and confused. Why me? I think it’s taken a while to process everything and until I have the operation I don’t think I will be ok. I’m not sleeping, I dwell on things I shouldn’t far to much and I am walking around in a bubble.
I was sat in the waiting room the other day and I overheard another patient talking, talking about how their cancer had come back, how it had appeared out of nowhere. They had not even reached the 5 year mark. This scares me, those words scare me and I am a walking wreck worrying about the what-if’s.
Lack of sleep does not help and with an operation date looming I am holding out that once it’s over with, everything will go back to normal and I won’t worry, but I will, off course I will. It’s a big thing, it won’t be over will it? I will constantly be checking, constantly analysing, constantly worrying.
It’s not just me I worry about, I went to my sisters the other day and demanded to see her moles, I mean what the hell am I turning into?! She showed me some and I analysed them way to much. I’m no doctor, but I feel like I now know what a cancerous mole looks like considering I had one. it’s etched in my brain.
I worry about Moo and H when they are older. They say that you’re at a greater risk of getting skin cancer if you were burnt as a child, I don’t remember specifically ever getting burnt when I was younger, only my feet and it bloody hurt! I worry that I don’t do enough for Moo and H, I worry that if the weather turns nice and they are at school that I should of been more prepared and put sun-cream on them.
Im worrying way to much and it’s not doing me any good. I’m suffering from anxiety and I panic about teeny tiny things that are irrelevant. Is this a phase? Will I be like this forever? People ask me how I am and I nod and say fine, but deep down I’m aching, deep down I am hiding the pain. It may sound silly, it may sound like an over exaggeration but I feel sick every time I think about the disease that takes so many.
I’m thankful I went when I did, I have a constant reminder a scar which resembles a crease along my neck, still sore and still raw but it’s a constant reminder of what was there. This here is the honest truth, the honest truth of how I feel and how scared I am about what lies ahead.