I still cannot actually say the whole word as I am still in a bit of shock. I wasn’t going to blog about it, but this blog is about my life, family and how we cope with parenthood, no matter what it involves, and its actually been quite nice and a bit of a release to get it out.
I mentioned a while ago about having to have a minor op to remove a mole. Nothing serious, just one on my neck that had changed in colour and become a little itchy. I was rushed through and although it happened really quickly it wasn’t something I was overly concerned about. We went on holiday and the following Monday once we returned I was having the mole removed. It was a three week wait for the results.
Today I got those results, 3 weeks to the day of having it removed, and it really was not what we were expecting. Although it crossed my mind, I still wouldn’t think about it, but when they phoned on Tuesday to rush me in to see the consultant for today I started to actually worry that something could be wrong. They only call you in if something is seriously wrong, right?
The words that fell from the consultants mouth hit me like a train and I cried, I cried a lot. I felt Mr B touch my shoulder and squeeze it and I cried even more. I actually could not stop silently crying. I am 32 how is this possible? I hate the sun, I don’t sunbath, I don’t sit out in it religiously hoping to go a nice shade of brown, I would prefer to sit under a tree and be out of harms way.
I laid down on the bed whilst I was checked for more moles and I giggled a bit, It was a nervous giggle and I couldn’t stop. I then got upset again and started to cry. For someone to tell you, you have a melanoma is a little overwhelming. It transpires that I need to have another mole removed and the original mole that was removed needs to be cleaned up and some more tissue taken away. I will then be seen every 3 months for the next 5 years.
Its quite raw, to think that I have it, have had it, whatever, scares me and I am so glad I went and got it seen to when I did. I am now waiting on a consultation for plastics. The wait is not nice. The last three weeks seemed to have dragged by and it feels like months ago I had that first consultation. Its a strange feeling but knowing I am being treated and looked after in the best way possible is making me feel at ease.
The tears are slowly easing, its just when I am not doing anything I tend to wander with my thoughts I am slowly coming to terms with everything. The next five years are definitely going to be a worry and tough with constant trips to the hospital. I have a wonderful family who are there for me, and are being really supportive and telling me what I need to hear.
I feel heavy, sad, teary, scared, anxious, worried, uneasy, tense, strained, stressed, the list could go on. I want to feel normal again, I want to feel happy and not have this over me.
Again I keep asking myself Why Me?