I didn’t think I would ever be in a situation where I would need more surgery but last week I was told it was needed… Again…
I could literally scream with anger, shout from the roof how frustrated and scared I am. It’s an overwhelming sense of dread and for two days I have been walking around with a huge weight on me.
Last week I went for check up with my consultant. I see him every 6 months and I between seeing him I see my plastic surgeon, so in reality I am at the hospital every three months as well as these appointments I am getting treatment every 2 weeks on my scar from my original melanoma site because of nerve damage, my life literally is jammed packed with hospital appointments and will be for the next the 4 years. I simply loose track all the time!
I had to go to my appointment on my own as annoyingly it coincided with sports day which was eventually cancelled due to the bad weather. G was off ill too so Mr B stayed at home with her instead of dragging her out. We both were under the impression that I would be checked over, I would discuss some of my worries about some new moles and that would be it, I would be sent home with a new appointment for six months time. How wrong could I have been.
I stripped down to my underwear and the consultant gave me a thorough looking over, he looked at the moles I was concerned about and they were fine. It wasn’t long before he pointed one out on my back and with a worrying tone, immediately said without hesitation it needed to come off. He kept looking at it through his magnify and kept repeating it had to come off. With my melanoma history it didn’t look good. I actually wanted to cry there and then. I was on my own and this was not what I was expecting. I wanted the “see you in 6 months” speech.
I got dressed and was in a bit if a daze. The receptionist was asking me loads of questions and I just ignored her, looking at her blankly, wishing Mr B was their to answer them for me, but he wasn’t and I needed to bloody man up or I would of crumbled.
I immediately phoned Mr B to come and pick me up, he was picking H up so I had a little wait before he got to me. I decided to phone the only other person I new I could cry to and that was my sister. She was at work but she still listened to me sobbing down the phone, reassuring me it was all going to be ok. The thought of having to go back in scares me and the outcome scares me even more.
My life is in limbo, its the unknown I am scared of, the not knowing and typically its eating away at me. I have a new mantra and that is to punch fear in the face, I am not quite ready to do that yet as I am so very scared, but when I am less fearful I am so going to give fear a good beating