Loss…

When you loose somebody it can bring up lots of emotions, Angry, sad, guilty, shocked, fearful, frightened, confused.. The list goes on.

Last night my nan {I called her little nan, because she was so small} passed away. This year she suffered a stroke and although she was doing well, it left her incapable of doing things on her own. She was moved to a care home just last week after spending time at hospital and a rehabilitation centre. Unfortunately last night, she passed away peacefully in her sleep.

I am going through a stage of emotions, I don’t know what to think at the moment, Am I sad? Yes. Teary? Yes. Angry? Yes. Confused? Yes. Frightened? Yes. Guilty? Most definitely yes.. Its a mixture of emotions and my head is in a spin.

It gets me thinking of everything she did for me and my sisters. Every Thursday without fail, me and my sister would go round her house for dinner. It was always a roast dinner. We would go straight from school and we were adamant we could smell her dinner half way down the road. We would always enter through the back door and straight into a loving, warm friendly home.

I always remember measuring myself up against her, she was so small we nicknamed both our nans “Little Nan” and “Big Nan” Sadly Big nan passed away some years ago. I found it so funny when I finally towered over her! My nan made the meanest Yorkshire puddings and to this day, I still cannot for the life of me get mine to raise the way hers did.

It wasn’t just Thursday’s we saw her, when we were little we would see her at the end of each month when my dad came down to visit. Again, Roast dinner it was and we would stay for tea as well, which would always be Jam on toast. Jam on toast never tasted so good as to when my nan made it, or dippy egg..  We would watch Stars In Their Eyes, or Top of The Pops in front of the fire with the biscuit tin between our legs and eat till our hearts content.

Other things I used to do was, empty her cupboards from all its contents and play shop. I would carry everything into her lounge and display all the items on her display cabinet and I would play shops with it. I would go and pick what I wanted and then change roles and play shop assistant and send it all through my pretend till. I would sit on her stool which was also a handy sewing box. Everything seemed so good at that age and its only now that I am remembering these things happening.

Thats where the guilt comes in. I feel terribly guilty that I didn’t see her as much as I should of done. I feel terribly guilty that the children were not a huge part of her life. She was such a fantastic nan to me, she should of been able to be a part of their life. Its silly reasons really. I got married and that was that. I called her and popped over at christmas but god how I wish it was different. I wish both Moo and H had gotten to know the nan I loved and thought so highly off. She was like another mum to me when I was younger and its so rare these days to have great grandparents that can be in children’s lives, I feel like I have taken something so important away from them.

I always said, once H was in school it would be easy for me to go and see her, it would be better as I wouldn’t just have 3 hours, I would have 6 hours.. i would be able to spend a day with her, but now I won’t get that. Its heartbreaking to think that she isn’t here anymore. Its heartbreaking to think that I can’t just phone her. The past few months have been hard, stressful and quite an eye-opener for stroke victims. I have spoken to family members I have not spoken to in years and do you know what? its been nice, its been wonderful seeing people I have not had contact with in some some.

Getting older sucks, big time and I am fully aware that its happening now. I hate the term R.I.P, I think it boils down to my fears of death.

For now, though I need to grieve, to accept whats happened and to be at peace with it. Its hard, I am not ready to say goodbye yet.

I feel terribly guilty too. The Thursdays dwindled out and by the time we finished college, they ended.

Terrible TV, Country Music, New Cardis… Little Loves 21/52

Happy Friday peeps… Another week has passed and its time for another little catch up with all the lovely bloggers that link up with Morgana and their #littleloves

This week has been so much better than last.. I have been scheduled for 8 weeks of physio-therapy on my shoulder and arm and I am hoping it starts to help as I have been suffering with quite a bit of pain.. Thank you all for your lovely comments last week!

 This is what I have been loving this week!

Read

I have not read much this week. I have been reading lots of letters, which I have been painstakingly going through, very tedious!

Watched

I watched this horrendous but addictive TV programme. Its currently on in the states and its totally wrong in my book, but I actually couldn’t help myself from watching it. Its called “Married At First Sight” and its a social experiment where two couples marry. The catch is, they do not know each other and only meet the day of the wedding! They then live with each other for a month and at the end of the month decide whether or not to stay married or get a divorce. Morally is wrong, but unfortunately I am hooked on it!

I also saw this yesterday, I have said so many times before how much of a fan I am of James Corden, I am loving his carpool antics… This week Justin Bieber!

Heard

I have managed to watch all of season 3 of Nashville. It was such a good programme and I am gutted its come to an end {roll on season 4!} I love all the music from the show and I have found a new found love of country. I always liked it, but not as much as I do now {I thought it was boring when I was younger!} Two of the songs I have been listening to this week..

Wore

I bought some new bits this week, and it was much needed! I don’t think I have bought myself a new piece of clothing for a good year or so! I am in love with my pleated cardigan from Dorothy Perkins.. I even managed to squeeze get myself into some skinny jeans!!
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Made

I have not made anything exciting this week {read that as nothing!} I did make a lamb roast dinner on Sunday which wasn’t my best! I bought a butterfly leg of lamb and quite frankly was not nice! I won’t be buying that again!

‘And lastly..’

My little feature went live this week “Selfie Stories” do pop by and have look, and if you fancy it would love you to ink up your selfie story! Its open for the whole month, so you have plenty of time to join in!

I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead!

I am linking up with the ever so lovely butwhymummywhy? for this linky, if you want to join in just click here 

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Selfie Stories #1

I like taking a good ole selfie more than the next person. I am forever taking pictures of me and Moo, or me and H, or both. Sometimes if I am really lucky I get to have a selfie with the camera shy husband! Sometimes its just me on my own.

Every month, just once in the month, I am going to share with you a selfie {or two…} My favourite picture, and I am going to tell you the story behind that selfie, there is always a story to tell, wether it be trying to get a grumpy child to smile, or a quick selfie of the family on a day out.

This months selfie is a ritual me and H have. We both currently pick Moo up and those 10 minutes we have in the car together before we do that school run walk are either us messing around or playing trains {his most favourite game, ever!} I prefer the messing around lark!

H never really takes a photo seriously. If I ask him to smile he gives me a cheeky grin, but will never look straight down the barrel of the lens. If I ask him to stick his tongue out or pull a funny face, then thats when I get his full face looking at me. Most of the time I will end up with a good few photos of us pulling funny faces, trying to get him to smile, or of him pulling a funny face. We always go through them and snigger at the funny ones together. Its a lovely 10 minutes we have laughing and joking together.

I actually love this photo, he is so cheeky. Come September I won’t have this, so I am making up for it now. I will miss those 10 minutes we have of messing around with the camera before we pick Moo up.. I have a whole folder of photos with this little man and whenever I go through them they always bring a smile to my face.

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Have you a selfie that you have snapped this month and would like to share the story behind it? I would love it it you would link up with me and share.

 

You can also grab my badge and pop it on your post if you like… you can find the link here

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The Guilty Days {The Ordinary Moments}

 This little one is growing up so quickly and as the years go by I start to get worried at how fast it is speeding past.

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Lately I have struggled with Moo’s moods.. Her temperament is s different to H’s and sometimes I find it hard. Parenthood Is hard. I put her to bed at night and feel terribly guilty about things that have happened throughout the day. Me and the husband will talk about our feelings and worries of what the day has bought us. We talk about how we spoke to the children and how awful we feel, if we loose our temper. Sometimes  I want to go and wake her up and give her a big hug and kiss and just let her know that we love her very much. No one can prepare you for what motherhood brings. Its hard, on a daily basis and as Moo gets older it gets harder.

Its not all bad, mind. Moo is so gentle and caring and she is turing into such a wonderful confident little girl my heart beams with pride. She Is a talented, funny, beautiful 6 year old. Who I cannot believe turns seven this year!

When we have a bad day, I always remind myself of what she has become already, and its everything I could of asked for…

I am linking up with the lovely Katie at Mummy Daddy Me for her wonderful linky The Ordinary Moments

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The Week That I Captured 20/52

This week has been a long week for The B Household. Its been so stressful with lots of appointments and telephone calls. Complete nightmare and I am so pleased it Sunday and we get to start over again tomorrow!

Anyhoo, without to much waffling this is what else we got up too!

Sunday

We went to see the in-laws today. A lovely roast lamb dinner and homemade sticky toffee pie was demolished by moi.. It was delicious. We spent the afternoon in their garden, watching the kids play.. I may of been hooking away on my blanket too!

Sunday evenings are always so busy with school prep for the following day, but I was on the ball and had sorted everything out before we set of for the in-laws, so I came home and did nothing, apart from smother the cat with love..

Monday

The hubs started his 3 long days today {which results in 6 days off! woo hoo!!} Moo and H were packed off at school and play school so I went home and did some washing and in-between caught up on some TV..

Moo had swimming so we rushed home from school, had a snack and set off.. Unfortunately we were involved in an accident on the way which resulted in someone hitting us at speed. Luckily we were all ok and I was able to drive the car to the swimming pool, but Mr B came and got us as I was shaken up. We decided to go to A&E, but it was such a long wait I decided to go to the doctors the next morning.

Tuesday

With an unsettled night sleep and pain slowly kicking in, I took myself of to the doctors. I decided to put the children into school and play school first and talk to the doctor about them too as they were showing no signs of symptoms and were back to their joyous happy selves! I was advised to keep an eye on them incase of later symptoms they could get from the accident, but luckily they didn’t arise. I was told to take medication and “try” and rest up! {very unlikely with two young children!}

My garden is starting to bloom really nicely and I have finally got some aquilegia that has opened up!

Wednesday

Moo was a little unsettled about getting in the car, overtime we stopped I received a little yelp from the back “is someone going to hit us mummy?” Luckily No! I am not a fan of driving and this really doesn’t help!

I had to go to the play-school and have a meeting, I am am their teacher/parent panel.. I took biscuits and lots off them!

I popped round to see my sister once H was settle into his session, I left early as I decided to go to minor injuries as my wrist and arm was starting to really hurt. I picked up H and he came with me. He was really well behaved. We waited 40 minutes to see someone and I was sent down to x-ray. I waited another 40-50 minutes and by this point I had to pick Moo up! Luckily the school is over the road. I quickly nipped out and got her and returned back just in time for my name to be called!

Back at minor injuries and luckily no break, just tendon damage! Ouchy….

Thursday

The husbands six days off starts today! We dropped the kids off and popped into the shopping centre to buy new car seats. We had a cheeky Costa and a very cheeky cake!

It rained all day today too, the school run is never fun in the rain! We got soaked!!

Friday

We dropped Moo at school and decided to keep H off as we were visiting my nephew, who had an operation at the beginning of the week. We took supplies of cake and crisps. M&S have a whole new range of cakes and biscuits and I am slowly making my way through them! The kids were able to play in the garden most of the day as it was rather lovely!

Saturday

We went to my nieces birthday party today and it was so nice for everyone to get together. The kids were so well behaved and by 5pm they had a soft play to themselves! {Give or take a few nasty boys!} The adults may of had a cheeky go on the slide before leaving!

I also sorted through the children’s toys…. again…

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showing the cat some love // doctor surgery waiting // my sweet aquilegia // school run weather // costa date // love this boy // testing out the new M&S cakes.. // daddy is still young at heart..

I have linked up with Hannah over at Make Do and Push..

Please pop by and see what I have captured next week and if you want to join in the pop on over to Make Do and Push! and link up!

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Comics, Nasty Bumps, New Links… Little Loves 20/52

Happy Friday peeps… Another week has passed and its time for another little catch up with all the lovely bloggers that link up with Morgana and their #littleloves

Its been a long ole week here.. We were in a car accident on Monday evening.. Thankfully me and the children are ok.. I am suffering with some arm and wrist pain as will as my shoulder but we were able to walk away from it. The car needs repairing as its been smashed from behind. Hopefully it won’t take long!

 This is what I have been loving this week! {which isn’t much!}

Read

This week I started a new book!! {or comic!} The hubs received some Walking Dead comics for Christmas last year and he finally read book one.. So I decided to give them a go.. Its a bit strange reading a comic if I am honest and already I have started to notice bits that were not put into the TV programme!

Watched

Not much.. I have had quite a busy week and by the time the evenings are round I just want to sleep. I wanted to stay up and watch Big Brother, but chose not too.

I need to catch up on quite a bit.. Made In Chelsea being one of them!

Heard

Been bopping away to this, this week.. The video is slightly odd, but hey, the song is pretty good.. Moo is a huge fan!

Wore

The sun came out for all of two days this week and it was glorious! Monday was beautiful. Tuesday and Wednesday was just as lovely. I was tempted to wear a skirt but thought better of it. Thursday was back to being freezing cold and wet! So I was in sandals at the beginning of the week and welly’s at the end!!
I have been wearing a very fetching hand splint too, which is a pain in the bum if I am honest, but its helping with the pain!

Made

Nothing, I made a mess of the ironing as I couldn’t do it, I think I managed to burn Moo’s dress! Ooopps..

I made loads of calls to the insurance company, hire company and car repairs.. Fed up with it all, but hopefully by the weekend my car will be in for repair!

‘And lastly..’

On Monday I have a new post going up called “Selfie Stories” I would love it if you would pop on over and see what its about.. and maybe join in too! ;)

This week has been a bit of a write off, so, sorry it hasn’t been much fun in the sense of the linky! Hopefully I will have a much better Little Loves next week!

I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead!

I am linking up with the ever so lovely butwhymummywhy? for this linky, if you want to join in just click here 

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These Two…

Over the past few years Moo and H’s relationship has been a little temper-mental shall we say. Moo always throws the “I want a sister card” at me and now H is throwing the “I want a brother” card! {If only!!}

But I have noticed a huge change in them both over the last few months and its something I am loving watching. Moo has become more gentle with H and more accepting of his cuddles and kisses. I am not sure if its because I have drummed into Moo that H will be starting school and its important that she looks after him at playtime, or if its because they have become to understand each other in a way that I won’t. That sisterly/brotherly bond.

They still share a room, even though they could sleep separate, but I think its a comfort thing. They talk and giggle at bedtime {sometimes argue} which I adore hearing. They wake together and stumble sleepy eyed down the stairs and sit in front of the TV snuggled on the sofa under one blanket, holding hands or cuddling. Its something I didn’t see coming and its hit me hard. Don’t get me wrong, its lovely to see, its just come out of the blue within the last few months.

They still have there little arguments, silly, petty gripes about who can play with what. Moo can be horrible to H and vice  versa, but within a nano second they are back being a pair.

H dotes on Moo, and sometimes she really doesn’t get it. H adores her and is always so excited to pick her up from school.   He does what she does and wants to be like her, like the big girl she is. If she does something H wants to do it too, no matter how hard, or simple, and if Moo is in the mood, nine times out of ten she will help him. She is currently setting him up for school helping him with his numbers, letters and colours, trying her best to help him perfect them.

I am so worried about H starting school in September but all I know is, if these two carry on with the way they have been, there bond will only be stronger and I know both will be just fine.. She will have him, and he will have her..

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